Passing Up

I passed up a chance last weekend and i learned something about myself. one of my clinically-heartbroken buddies was on self-destruct mode and wanted a co-conspirator. I thought i could be a willing collaborator..victim and user in one. but i turned chronic-confessor and was again "too honest for my own good." this made her feel guilty about using me and losing the friendship in the end..suffice it to say, we didnt go through with it. this damn "personal value system" always has consequences...what does it say about me..-3/5/07

Serendipitous Changes

I've been going through many changes lately. it's my way of coping, surviving..but funny things are happening. After being required to take a "penalty" for not finishing my MA thesis on time, i am taking up a Women and Development course i am thoroughly enjoying and finding quite useful. What more, i've become something like a "star pupil" to my gorgeous teacher that i just don't wanna miss any Sat class. I've also been compelled to leave my "prestigious" Legal Officer position to become an ordinary Planning Officer at our agency. Apparently, my work doing policy/position papers, commenting on proposed social welfare legislation, and directly dealing w/ clientele like the elderly, children and women are much more relevant to the Department than any administrative disciplinary case i prosecuted against a co-employee. What more it's just been a week and I'm alrdy functioning as an OIC at my new ofc. I now have access to scholarships and trainings abroad too. A Chinese saying goes: "When the wind blows, be like the leaf and go with it; who knows you might find yourself in a much better place when you wake up." Maybe I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now...-2/24/07

New Friends, Good Friends

hyperReiz, wildflowerMaria, customsCarmen, revieweeTina, partygoerCool, brotherMike, StaRosaRex, PasigIvy, QuirinoLenskie, SampalocMoppet, PrincessRatna, CaregiverMelds, AileenBicol, UPgrad, LaPinasMom, ParanaqueNurse, BicolanaCESO, CounselorfrRizal, NGOatty, HRworker, gorgeousProf...healers and confidantes all. we say "hello" when we say "goodbye"..we don't know who will eventually stay. So goes the merry-go-round, people get on, then people get off...-2/24/07

Deciding to be Happy

My sisters say I'm already happy. But according to them, I just get reminded sometimes that i should be sad, so turn sullen all of a sudden. My friends say I look happy too. Thay say I just refuse to believe it and i keep insisting i should be unhappy still. They say all in due time, but it's still ultimately my choice, my decision, when to say enough is enough and just get back on the saddle agn. But i like my pain, its a comfort zone of sorts. Being with someone right now can't give me that sense of refuge and security. I just give in..for their sake, coz at least one of us is happy and in love, right? -2/22/07

Ending It

i wonder what it's like to be the one to say goodbye. what exactly do you have to say to send a clear message? as james ingram said, "there's no easy way to break somebody's heart.." jimmy bondoc likewise said, "let me be the one...so you don't have to make excuses." i wonder what it feels like to watch her cry as you deliver your " it's not you, it's me.." speech. sure i am happy for now..but not knowing WHEN it will end (which i'm sure it will anyway) is killing me! just want to be the one to say goodbye this time...that way i decide when i'm ready. -2/21/07

Restless and Tired

i'm restless agn. maybe i need another trip. doesnt have to be out of the country. i'd settle for anywhere around the Phils. just need a change of scenery. the influx of new people in my life has been constant. they are smart young women..in need of good conversation, some LGBT education. bt what makes me bored all of a sudden. maybe i'm just tired. simply tired of trying so hard to make myself happy..tired of chasing too many things..tired of doing what is expected of a mature person..when i just wanna be childish, self-centered, and insensitive. -2/21/07

Love Has A Warranty

if she tells you she loves you, should you readily believe it? i can't help thinking at the back of my mind, "yeah sure,..and then later on, you will just change your mind about me again.." in love as in everything in life, there are no guarantees..people change, shit happens, couples break up. so you ask yourself what's the point?

when she tells you she loves you, is it an assurance that she won't ever hurt you? of course not, but you should only have to ask yourself if you'd let yourself be stupid enough to let it happen again.

so when she tells you she loves you and that you make her very happy, just smile back. just be ready with an answer if she asks you if you do love her back too...2/19/07

Accidental Counselor

on my way to recovery, something funny happened to me along the way..i've become an accidental counselor to others going through heartbreak. I have become a caregiver to my fellow walking wounded. How can i tell them I am still undergoing the process of healing. For some selfish reasons, i considered "dating" more fun than counseling. so that was my personal therapy. i cannot tell them when the hurting will stop because i still have bad days myself, when i have nightmares or when i wake up feeling a heaviness i can't shake off. i cannot tell them why their relationships ended because i still can't understand what went wrong with mine. so i mouth off to them the same things i keep telling myself - that i deserve to be loved for myself and that i can be happy again. but don't ever ask me what that really means... 2/19/07

Closure

They promised me it would be my "closure". But things are just that...things, objects...stuff you don't really care about having or taking in the first place. They promised me having my own place, my own space would give me back my sense of self. But waking up in this room only reminds me that this isn't really where i want to be. I do not want to seem ungrateful or unappreciative for what i have. Yet sometimes, there is nothing like knowing what you have to be certain of what you really want. 2/12/07