Why I Am

Even at a young age, I knew I was different. The minute I started questioning the way my father was treating my older sisters compared to my brothers, I knew I was asking for trouble. But I just couldn’t understand why my eldest sister was forced to participate in beauty pageants while the next oldest was made to provide regular entertainment with her Tahitian-Hawaiian hula dance numbers. On the other hand, my eldest brother was displayed by my Dad as the NSDB scholar from UP, the big-shot fraternity man. Worse of was my second oldest brother who was gay. He was treated as the “black-sheep”; a deep dark secret, the butt-of-jokes during family reunions. It didn’t matter that he was also in UP and very artistic. I was upset by this arrangement and from then on, I knew I was going to test the gender-divides I grew up with.

Curiously, I reached menarche quite early. A real tomboy when I was growing up, I was grief-stricken when I started getting my boobs at nine. But I felt the heavens fell on me when I got my period at ten. I was completely distraught while my Mom was ecstatic. She thought maybe then I’d give up my Superman dolls, boxing gloves and water pistols. But toys and play was the least of my problems. I started having attractions for my female classmates. Sure I too had crushes on Gabby Concepcion and William Martinez, as well as Andrew McCarthy and Rob Lowe. But there was no neighborhood boy I particularly liked even if I got my share of ogles and stares as I rode my bike around in my skimpy shorts. Boys just did not appeal to me as did the girls in my class.

My puberty stage was pure agony. I was scared and confused because everyone was telling me it was wrong to like another girl. The nuns at school told me it was a sin I had to confess each week before I take Communion. Family and friends said it was “abnormal” and I was afraid they would not like me anymore. I blamed it on the environment of an All-girls Catholic school. I hoped that it was all a phase; that upon being exposed to boys soon, I would turn ”normal”.

So all throughout elementary and high school, I concealed hidden affections for numerous classmates. I wrote them love letters and poems for their crushes and boyfriends, and they commented at how well I could capture their feelings even if I hadn’t experienced it myself. In this aspect, writing “saved” me and gave me an outlet. The self-denial and self-hate which almost destroyed my soul, was salvaged by reading books and writing. Diary entries were replete with secret longings even as I continued to write poetry for my classmates’ public consumption. I even accommodated them by writing erotic fiction which they read aloud in the classroom during breaks.

For college, I chose to go to UP Los Banos because I wanted a co-ed university. I also wanted to break away from my sheltered childhood. For the first time in my life, I had to learn to ride public transport, budget my own money for food, make sure I get myself to class on time. I totally loved the independence and it was college life just like in the movies – dorm life, org and frat parties. So I was finally “exposed” to guys and actually enjoyed the company of my Upsilon fraternity brothers. Some Agribusiness classmates also went as far as courting me after seeing in skirts and dresses (this was all for my initiation in Sigma Delta Phi and UP Agribusiness Society, of course). Yet I still did not find that emotional connection with any males.

At UPLB, I was a member of the Sigma Delta Phi Sorority, the best known Greek-letter organization for women on campus. We were considered the best of the best, scholars, athletes, and artists. Recruitment is by invitation only; no walk-in applicants and you have to pass an intense screening. I was used to having females around me all the time, and I was comfortable with my social circle. But when I became an officer of the sorority, I felt obliged to act like a “real” lady. I had to conduct myself like a true Sigma Deltan and wear skirts or dresses for formal meetings, even bring a date to sorority balls. To be honest, it was so stifling.

After college, with my degree in business, I became a Makati girl and went to work in skirts and heels. I actually lost weight in that get-up and even sprained my ankle a few times with just inch-high heels. Strangely, through it all, friends in college and even at work knew I was really gay. That is not to say, I had quite a few “affairs” with other women then, but nothing was definite.

A year later I went to law school. The study of law was really intense and it ate up my whole life for the next couple of years. So I cannot say much about it except that I studied like hell and that’s where I met my Ex, the love of my life. She was a classmate, a case-pool groupmate, a sorority sister in the UP Law Portia Sorority. When I filed an LOA when my father died, she was the only one who visited me regularly. Since I almost lost my penchant for law when my Dad died (he was an attorney too), getting back into the groove was quite difficult. But Ex was there and after I finally came out to myself at the age of twenty-five, she was still there.

It was not easy for us. We talked about it a lot. We considered what our sorority sisters and classmates would say. We were rational about everything, until we finally decided we would be brave about what we had. People once asked me when we stopped being friends. I told them, we never stopped being friends. It’s just that there became an added dimension of being lovers as well. (For more detailed info on me and my Ex, please get hold of Unveilings, a woman’s writings anthology by my writer’s group, Women in Bliss.)



Coming out as a couple made us join the LGBT Community. With our legal education, we were especially useful to our fellow LGBTs. We were both intelligent and articulate, so we automatically became poster-kids for same-sex partners. We gave interviews, spoke on radio and TV, and continued to remain active in the local LGBT organizations and networks. It was through this LGBT groups where we also had our connection with womens NGOs and became familiar with womens issues as well.

To date, I am the Founding President of Rainbow Rights Project (R-Rights), Inc., the Corporate Secretary of Lesbian Advocates Phils, the former Policy Advocacy and Research Coordinator of LAGABLAB, a novice of Order of St. Aelred, a religious group for LGBTs, and currently the National Treasurer of Ang Ladlad, the first LGBT group seeking partylist.accreditation.

Meanwhile, believing that my legal training has been put to good use already, I decided to return to an old passion which was writing. I enrolled at the CAL Graduate School for an MA in English Studies Major in Creative Writing. Since I was already working as a government lawyer, I have not been able to concentrate too much on my Masters. But I go to school now because I enjoy it and I try to learn things that really interest me. Which brings me to Women’s Studies, which is not exactly new to me because of my regular work for the DSWD and my involvement with women’s NGOs. Like everything else that has interested me, I believe I will be able to use whatever I learn here in my everyday life.